If you read between the lines, you could probably see that this person is very special to me. So special indeed that blissful happiness drove me right into anxiety. I knew the feeling of unexplainable panic and dreadful fear for no rational reason whatsoever, I had it before. I also knew I had two options:
1. run away (what I usually do best)
2. google it and try to understand
1. run away (what I usually do best)
2. google it and try to understand
For the first time in my life, I took the option two and googled 'relationship anxiety'. Not much useful came up; a few websites with brief explanations on what it is, zillion symptoms, which gave me the impression that one suffers from anxiety pretty much all the time, and – make no mistake – contact details of specialised advisers, who can help you to get over it, for a good price of course. There were also a few forums, where, interestingly enough, mostly men were describing how they feel and sought advice on how to snap out of it. As much as it was an amusing read, none of it was of a particular use to me.
However, it did make me realise that what I was feeling was not that uncommon. We just rarely talk about it. Probably because it is so insignificant and silly. How can you obsess and be in an unreasonable state of agony over someone you just met? There are worse things in life, right? Well, you tell me. My situation is even more bizarre, because my special someone (obviously completely unaware of my emotional state) is about to move away and my already mastered strategy of running would have probably worked just as well. Once again I learnt how the universe might not always play fair, but at least it has got a hell of a sense of humour.
More importantly, I realised that I want to write about it. I want to write about what seems to be very silly, yet also very serious experience and feelings, which frame my thoughts and views on life. And here we are, at the concept of framing again. I always somehow end up here. It must be related to the fact that it represents a central concept of my PhD, which is taking way too long to complete now. Anyone who has ever had a go at a PhD probably knows, what I’m talking about.
It happened at the airport in Paris where I found this postcard. The beautiful sights of Paris in a frame that selects and emphasises certain aspects of perceived reality in one way rather than another. And that is when framing took over my life… And my PhD.
It was during one of the late night calls when my other special someone, who was doing PhD at the time, but moved to Australia a few years ago (yes, my special someones have tendency to move away – another one, for example, moved to Yemen, and no, I did not pick that up from Friends), asked me how I would title my book, which I would publish in what is called a post-PhD period. I instantly said Framing Everyday Life. Since it seems that I am as far from the book as I am from having Tiffany’s ring, I figured I would lend the title to my blog for now. Just to see how it works.
That leads me to the third reason, why I started blogging. I always liked writing and sharing my ideas with others. During my PhD (have I already mentioned that it is taking me way too long to complete it?) I developed a strange fear from displaying my ideas outside my computer screen. The more I thought about it, the scarier it got. Just imagine… You write something, publish it and then someone reads it, perhaps remembers it, quotes it and worse of the worst, might criticise it. But the day of PhD submission is near, so I might as well get used of sending my thoughts and ideas out into the world, waving them goodbye and wishing them good luck with finding new friends.
I found this quote in one of the beauty magazines recently: Feel the fear, but do it anyway! And here I am, feeling the fear, but pressing the ‘publish post’ button anyway.
Goodbye my first blog entry! And good luck with finding new friends!
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